hell is the absence of god and im not god im just the absence of it i am the shadow cast by heaven's mercied hole
it's the pieces of the story you leave out. I missed that part of the curriculum! and you can tell me I'm lucky and that it sucked anyways and you can move on but what I don't say is that I missed it not just because I was moving but because my father died and my mom could no longer afford the rising rent and anyways isn't a new start nice? isn't a new middle nice? and you could be talking about fruits now and I smile and I think of persimmons and I think of the street and I think of the pineapple juice in the fridge opened by a ghost and I think of the ghost of the plastic pineapple in angry shards on the floor lucky fruit huh? some lucky fruit it is. and you can ask about watermelons and I'll say oh I don't like it and you might think why and the official story the one they tell the press is that I had too much sugar one day and a watermelon smoothie was what made me throw up but I don't say they let me loose a lot more at a young age because no one could afford to take care of me. no one had the space to care. the sister is carving pomelos and wrists and the brother is smashing pumpkins and pineapples and who cares if some kid eats nothing but sugar all day and maybe some days eats nothing but nothing. just nothing. a vessel. but we're not talking about vessels. we're talking about fruits. and yeah. I guess I'm kind of a kid about it huh? not a big fan of fruits , not a big fan of vegetables.
white like bleached bones like limp lilies like the way his face was so sallow and sunken and how there is no repose in death only a final indignity of pale pathetic pitiful presence
he was so vibrant in life for a fading man and you couldn't tell that from the way he was rested in that coffin because the sun was washed out of him and the mermaids waving from his thighs were hidden
there are no beautiful words for this. there is no way to summarize the way you feel the absence even a decade after the Event. there is no way to measure the impact to account for the footprint to see the other timeline.

you and I as interchangeable 
#you and i are subjects and you and i can be the same subject
#they both refer to me and to you and to us and to none#i as the same as none
#you as the same as none as the same as the absence
#you and i as a pair of wandering hands seeking out another set#and finding nothing but each other
#you and i as a pair of wandering hands reaching each other and clasping
#you and i as the shadow of the cross and the penitent prostrated form
#you and i rocking back and forth in an empty prayer to an emptier heaven
#the coffin is open

#heaven is empty!!!
#heaven is empty and your idols are false
#and there is nothing after you die
#nothing but the tangible absence which will be felt by all but you
#and THATS my inheritance!!!
#no riches no wealth no dances no health
#just the vessel for an empty lineage
#no fathers no sons no holy spirits will be found here
#god. i hurt

it's just fruit it's just fruit it's just fruit why is it making me feel so _bad?_
#the STUPIDEST SHIT will set you off sometimes
#itll be talking about fruit with people who remind you of home
#and then you realize you dont like being with them and you dont like being at home and you never asked for any of this
#you never asked to be a saint
#i didnt ask to be venerated for compassion or whatever
#i just didnt want him to hurt her#i didnt want her to hurt him
#that doesnt make me an angel or god or anything#that makes me a coffin#that makes me the open grave

tw: allusions to domestic violence and religion

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