11.16.2020 decompression

tw: messy family structures haha, allusions to childhood suffering

i have to start this off by honoring myself. take a deep breath with me. in for four out for seven. as many times as i need.

i am okay and progress is not linear. life is not what assignments i can accomplish, and what i can submit. at the same time, i choose to stay up tonight to get some work done and to get this out. this is one of many decisions i make, and i do what i can. i am okay. it is natural to struggle, especially now. it is okay.

just got through with a very tiring sunday. and through some rough days that i haven't been able to express until now. one of the hard things about living at home, despite the good parts, is the people and the interactions that occur. i started today off by doing some conflict resolution for my mom and brother (not a new phenomenon) because they got into an argument about sofas. as with all things in life tied to trauma, there was more underneath the surface. i recognized that my brother struggles in the morning with keeping up a nice attitude and has a hard time communicating with my mother kindly. i also acknowledge that my mother has her own traumas that run deep, regarding being ordered around and loud, harsh tones from men. mirrored my mother, gave her room to cry and feel some emotions. handed her a tissue. i'm so tired.
i tried my best to act as a counselor, a third party to help them understand each other. then we went and moved some sofas, and i ran around with my little cousin. i was already feeling a bit tired, and i hate the part of me that felt tired only when it came around to exerting energy with an innocent child but i think i was good at not letting it on.
got to eat a sandwich at my aunt's place, along with some cupcakes. i like kids, but i really don't know if i can be around them for that long. it doesn't come naturally to me.
the excitement of new couches didn't last as long as i hoped.
i took a lot of time to myself after that, and set up my dual monitor. fiddled around with my room a bit. hated myself the whole time for not getting any work in, but right now i am willing to say this: it's perfectly natural that i had a hard time today.
the rest of the day was fine. had some conversations with people, bought myself ridiculous amounts of snacks and a new candle, played some animal crossing so i could stop feeling guilty for not talking to my villagers in so long (good grief i really DO like punishing myself for not fulfilling other's needs huh), and did readings.
family therapist time round 2: sister edition. my mom goes and asks my brother what he wants to do for his birthday, and asks him if he's going to invite our sister back home for dinner. when he says no, because he's older and doesn't really care for celebrating right now, she starts talking about how much she misses her daughter. 'ah well i guess i'll pretend i didn't give birth to a daughter." that's when i come out because i catch that last phrase as i'm heading to the kitchen. sigh. sit. why are you two arguing again. my mom starts talking about how she misses her daughter, while my brother tries to explain that it hurts when your mother makes your birthday about your other sibling instead of you. cue my mom talking about her own trauma regarding birthdays and how no one's ever done things for her except this one last week or so and it wasn't even good it wasn't even happy. it was like she had a lifelong debt to her own mother and brother.
interlude where we try to convince our mother, not for the first time, that it's okay to have your own feelings and that it's okay to admit your mother did some things that hurt you. the defence would like to plead that she loves her mother though, and her mom did do something, and she didn't have to perform labor for her brother due to the weather. prosecution? yes but never once did i hear that you wanted to be there. the defence turns to herself and thinks. or the tinnitus kicked in. i don't know i dont care anymore.
why are you so unhappy all the time, my mother asked. how can you expect the other people around you to be happy if youre like that? and how is my brother supposed to reply. how is anyone supposed to reply to that.
so he tries to explain. its hard growing up its hard and no one understands because what do you do when youre thirty and you're poor and you don't have a high paying job and you don't even have your own home and you don't even get along well with your loved ones? and you have a disability. when you do talk about it, people just tell you to try harder.
i get it. bro, its okay i get it. you. are not. worse than other people. it's not your fault.
yeah but when my mom, who's almost sixty has spent a decade not understanding her own sorrow, and not even understanding what it's like. it's hard to feel like it.
today was the first time anyone told him it wasn't his fault. i felt bad for not saying it sooner.
cue: my mother getting defensive. cue my mother's angry apology and raised voice and scolding while his head is ducked and he's crying.
sometimes you just have to recreate the mother teresa hug but it's you and your brother against the thing that tells men they can't cry. sometimes you just have to hand someone a tissue and let them know you see them. i see you. i recognize your hurt. it's okay to hurt. it's okay to cry.
yeah, but no one in this fucking family wants to see a therapist apparently except me and i guess my sister, not like i know where she is anymore or what she's up to.
i come back to notifications from dating apps about missed connections, work emails, and messages i have no energy to respond to. i'm sorry. i'm empty. i;m out of things to give. i've been squeezed dry of any goodness i have left and now all i want to do is cry because the world is unfair, and it takes so much work to find someone who will understand, and how it's so impossible to heal everyone's hurt. everyone hurts so bad.

look all i have to say is i'm sorry. i;m out of energy. i'm out of things to give to people for today, check back later for your daily reward. i don't know what you want from me, and i'll try again later. but right now, i'm done. there is a sorrow that runs in me and you can find it in the holes of my bone marrow, in the cavity of my chest, in the way that i'm spilling blood again this month, getting squeezed dry. i don't know what you want and i sure as hell don't know what i want, other than this stupid little website page, nestled 7 layers deep where no one can see it, where there's no one to perform for, where i can just be honest and say i;m so tired. god. not a discord date where i see someone too fucking similar to me act in ways so self-degrading. not a conversation with a friend who i only talk to when i think it's funny enough, when i'm funny enough. not another bonding moment of girlhood by syncing up our cycles because i hate my body i hate it so much right now. not whatever the hell animal crossing is these days because it sure as hell is giving me anxiety. not talking to my ex because i don;t know if anyone else got it as well as he did. sure as hell not me being not over him in that i don't think i ever wanna be like any other boy. not a girl who might be into me, might not, because either way i don't think i can give her what she wants. not trying to convince someone they're worthy and then just kind of not getting why she's talking to me other than for the gratification even though i do that all the time. not phonesex where the other person gets to cum and i get to just feel satisfied that i made someone happy only to realize i cant live up to the rest of it.