11.25.2020 vent zone

tw: drug mention

kinda wanna get high because i feel shitty and need a new emotion to experience but also self medicating is not good! also feeling kind of a pressure to be high even though it's not the most enjoyable feeling in the world bc that's what college students do i guess or drink or something to induce a non-sober state. i don't know i lost a good couple months to the substance and i don't know. it feels bad. i was pretty much a daily smoker from october last year to august this year and it's kind of scary how if i were living alone i would definitely be high right now too.

i don't think people talk enough about the psychological dependency part too, and i'm kind of wondering about the consequences of that entire time period. i also started taking my antidepressants around the same time and i'm not sure. i guess i'm not sure if i need them or if that's just. i don't know. being 20 kind of sucks major fucking ass!! i feel miserable and low energy and nothing is good. nothing is really bringing me joy. i went for a walk today and that was kind of nice, feeling like the main character or whatever outdoors. but now i'm just. so overwhelmed. i really should start waking up early so i can take my meds in the morning like they're meant to be taken cause i think that's probably also messing me up a bit but i mean im no professional right.

idk im rambling and i need attention from someone but like i don't even know what kind and i need so much space from my mom and brother it makes me feel like a shitty person cause look free attention right there but it's so annoying because there's no room for my emotions in that space. i don't want to confide in these people and i don't want to talk to them about their problems and i don't want to make small talk aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa ALSO i don't know why i find my brother so fucking cringe and annoying when he's high but he is...which just makes me self conscious cause what if i'm like that when i'm high and everyone was just tolerating me but then it's like well i'm always just being tolerated so that's not new. so that's. that's fine but. there are so many things i regret. finding myself sucks. i don't like who i am. i really do not...

but it's like. god. i don't know how else to be. i'm so sorry for all this angst on the internet, there really doesn't need to be more. but also i feel like i always need a confessional. i should make it private i suppose but. idk. idkidkidk i don't know. i don't know idont know i dont know. i don't know who to turn to and i don't know who i am and if i could write a letter to all the girls i've loved before i feel like i would say. i'm sorry for the person i was back then. sorry to my ex-boyfriend whos still my best friend after all this, for the person i was when i started smoking. i'm not proud of any of my choices or anything i've done aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

i just want to be loooooooooooooooooved. or to get beat up. idk. i'm genuinely not sure what would feel better. idk might just smoke tonight fuck it i don't care anymore. if i fuck up my throat enough my voice gets lower and that's kind of gender affirming. idk. i miss my dad or the idea of a dad because by all accounts he wasn't a very good person. might just start picking up marlboros and get a mermaid tattoo on my left thigh just for the memory of it because i don't know. i don't know.

there's no one else im supposed to be but myself, but its like. wow. this is really the person i am huh? this is really the reality i inhabit huh. like there's nothing else i can do about this. idk. i wish i was into cars and handiwork and music and shit because i don't feel like a normal dude i feel like a really shitty girl and hm. that kind of sucks so hard.

my therapist would say it means i am a kind and empathetic person for feeling worried about the people i've hurt and that we're inevitably going to hurt others in our life but i hate that rn and i need there to be someone to tell me how to act right. i don;t know. i don;t knowwi dontknow i cant even focus on this stupid lecture i. i . i. i. i. i. i .i .i i . i. i don;t know. sorry to everyone who knew me thats all sorry to my ex roommate for smoking way too much right before covid hit and using the room so much you probably hate me and sorry to the persons who helped me out so much in high school and i hope distance from me was what u needed now that i can't make it up to you and sorry to people i used to be friends with but am not anymore because i. i dont know i dont know i dont know. forgiving people for the shit they do is so easy so i dont know why its hard when it comes to myself.