12.29.2022 - new year, new me: on desire, self-actualization, and how i've been doing
it's so soul-crushing how you can pick up a book that claims to talk about a big thing like desire, or sex, or normalcy and think it might be just what you need, just the thing to cure what's wrong with you at last; but it turns out that the author is just talking about THEIR desire, THEIR sex habits, THEIR idea of normalcy. well, i also want to talk about my experience but i make no claims to broad applicability so that's the point of the title.
peep this house i made in a minecraft server with my girlfriend and my friend. doesn't it look awesome? i'm also showing you this to prove that i am not a joyless spinster because i get kind of grumpy down below. i am a pleasant person to be around i swear
hey babes. i'm sorry to do this to you. i know you're already inundated with bullshit from the corporate web making you think about the new year coming up. like we didn't get spoonfed christmas for a whole month before this. but i promise i have something a little more thoughtful to say, and no, it will not be tongue-in-cheek joking about the concept of new years resolutions failing us cause even that's overdone at this point.
isn't it so insidious though? the constant cultural expectation of doing something to 'improve yourself.' like there's something wrong with you. like you exist as a perpetual unfinished, flawed thing. even when it's turned into a joke, you know the sensation is there. if you exist as the inverse of something you simply continue to reassert the thing's existence as its shadow and all that jazz. when do we ever make time to celebrate what is? and be content? seriously, who out there is telling you to be okay with who you are? it's never 'you're doing okay, even including the dust bunnies that like gathering under your bed.' it's always, 'come pay money and i'll sell you the idea that you'll be okay. i'll convince you you need this self-help service because you exist in a society that seeks to trap you in malaise and don't you just want to feel good?'
here's my grand thesis: nothing drives suffering quite like desire, specifically unmet, impossible desires. in fact, like a certain religious doctrine basically found out, the root of all suffering is...drum roll please....desire! here's what i'm going to talk about to support that: this conversation i had with my girlfriend at the beach about my depression (i will never stop flexing that i have a girlfriend and that they're awesome on here. i simply will never stop! also i swear when i was in the shower this whole post made so much more sense...)
wintertime, as in the season itself, the cultural rituals associated with the season, and my own losses during this time, have made nov-jan a distinctly wretched time of year for me. classic shit for queer people. hell, even if you're not the weird faggy cousin you probably hate christmas with the in-laws or something too. being on testosterone and just finally being an independent twenty-something has made it all so much better, but unfortunately it didn't solve the problem of desire. every year, people are blasted with all they can't have and don't have. you turn on the tv if you still watch it and it's just endless Lifetime movie portrayals and heartwarming gift exchanges or whatever. you go on your phone and its just cocomelon for adults - everything is advertising something to you. it's products all the way down it's consumption all the way down. and a bitch loves to shop right, but oh my god... the endless unreachable ideals. at some point in our late-stage capitalism society, i'm so sincerely happy for you if you DON'T have something that you want so bad it kills you that you don't have it. and i'm not talking just an item. items are never just items, desires are never just for simple objects. the object becomes a symbol for the lifestyle you don't have, for the community you wish you could live in, for the LUXURY you can't afford.
"Too often, feminists have imagined powerlessness as the suppression of desire by some external force, and they've forgotten that more often than not, desire IS this external force. Most desire is nonconsensual; most desires aren't desired. Wanting to be a woman was something that descended upon me, like a tongue of fire, or an infection [...].Excerpt from Andrea Long Chu, Females.
i think at this point it's pertinent to bring up my girlfriend's argument and bone to pick with me, which is this. isn't desire a good thing? desire for better, the drive for improvement and change that brings better...don't those things matter? now i think what i had said, on that sandy central coast pier, was that the action is separate from the desire. sure, the desire is fuel for action, but at the end of the day, it's the action that did anything. you don't desire your way into better, you act on it. and sorry sunday, but this is where i diverge from that conversation we had to add on more points and ramblings. the struggle to self-actualize in the times we live in is that we can't tell our actual wants from the external imposition of desires (maybe my second poorly justified thesis lol). this is just something i've been struggling with, right, and maybe the thing i really wanted to talk about with you, friends. how can you tell what it is you want from what people have told you you want?
do i really want to start a new workout regiment for my resolution, or have i just been sold the idea that my body is not satisfactory?
do i really need to strive for a higher-paying job, or is it other people that think i'm wasting my life?
this one is for me for reals, do i really need to become Cooler and Hotter, or have i just bought heavily into the marketplace of appearances? do i really need to work on my appearance, or do i need to work on my ability to be a good friend and also to stop maybe making poop jokes at twenty-two?
instead of a resolution to change this new years, i'm going to just...think and journal and figure out what it is i actually plan on doing with my life, warts and all. no more adding new shit just because the pressure is there to Desire and Consume.
um. post script. i think that my journal entries are a fun look at the rantings of this insane little man named rocky, but idk i swear i am doing fine in offline world. i eat crepes with my friend, i go to the beach, i took my mom and brother on a nice weekend getaway recently...i have a lot of joys i just...choose to not share. consider it my gift to you babes, you don't have to look to me as an example of a life you can't have. i put my pants on one leg at a time just like you. also, if you were so inclined, dcwotda#5647. i need you to tell me about the most notable thing that happened to you in the past week of reading this.