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04.13.24 - reviewing my morning pages

activity from chapter 9 of the artist's way by julia cameron

hello! i'm really fond of that word. i'm really fond of the humble greeting. i like to wave hello to my friends and family in the middle of conversations, in the middle of hang outs, when greetings are not needed. i just think it's a nice gesture, it shows someone that yes, i'm still here and engaged, and i'm still excited to see you. when in doubt, say hello again!

this is going to be one of those entries that serve as note taking more than as a complete piece. still, i'd like to have this here because i've been dying to express what i've gleaned from the artist's way in a more practical manner. the morning pages activity is really powerful, even necessary. cameron's rules are simple. morning pages are 3 pages you write in a journal, for yourself, every morning. you don't read back at them, you don't edit them, you don't dwell on them. you just keep your pen moving, every morning without stop until 3 pages are filled out. now, even with these guidelines, i like to play a little loose and fast. my rules for the morning pages are that you write 3 pages or whatever you can, at any time of day you can fit it in. as long as you Strive To Write 3 Pages a day, you're playing the game. i had to do this, cause otherwise it would be too demoralizing how bad i am at following the rules and i'm trying to teach myself it's okay to need accessibility aids in learning something new.

with that really long explanation out of the way, i'm going to do a little breakdown of my morning pages below. i've already made it 71% of the way through the book, and have been trying to follow with the readings and some activities every week. i'm on week 9 now and one of the activities is to read these pages i have previously not thought twice about and make two lists - one of insights, and another on actions needed. this is going to be really boring and painful and honestly embarrassing for me, but in pairing it with a zonelets update, i've made a little sweet treat for myself. if i do this, then i get to have another journal entry on my website! and that means i'll have successfully tended to my digital garden. win!

insights

• i just...really like being on my devices. this shouldn't be an insight, but it is. one of my most talked about pastimes is minecraft or video games. i just like games and being on social media and reading things on my phone and laptop.
• "i want to know that even someone competent to my eyes struggles like me too. i want to know how they did it and have their growth change me too."
• "it's so nice to actively work on decluttering my thoughts of other people's baggage!" ok yes past rocky wootwoot let's work on letting people fix their own problems! let's work on those boundaries let's work on understanding what is and isn't within your control, what is and isn't a crisis!
• when you don't know what to say, just observe :P
• "i think a desire for another can be a type of haunting"
• "i want something exciting and magical!" i often want this, i often have a desire for pleasure and thus, i have more of a zest for living than i previously thought

actions

• learn to turn down invitations! seriously! i gripe a lot about wanting alone time and space away from it all, but i don't seem to have figured out yet that i need to just say no to things that aren't priority. sheesh!
• learn what it is about a project that makes me dedicated to keep working on it. ive been stressin about the miku wip since JANUARY! its been four months, you'd think i'd have figured it out or just dropped it by now. again, the weird lingering commitment to things is a major motif i should ponder about more
• i'd probably be happier if i started committing to myself by giving myself enough time to get ready for things. both in terms of hangouts and heading out the house and in terms of getting ready for work in the mornings.
• i think the investigation of racial dynamics in the place i live is a priority to me and is a topic i think about a lot. how can i nurture this one? maybe do more reading and research and be out in the world about it
• close discord more often. you DO NOT need to be on that damn app all the time, minimize that shit
• there's gonna b times where you're thinking of people a lot but you're afraid of the rejection. go to therapy about this one, this comes up A LOT!!!!
• uhmnnn yeah my ass gotta work on the affirmations and core beliefs about the self a lot more. i move thru the world with a lot of bad vibes for myself, a lot of self-doubt and defensive irony. i just wanna be happy w my choices again damn
• START TALKING ABOUT STUFF THAT MADE YOU HAPPY OR THAT YOU LIKE GODDAMNIT AUUGHHH it's so hard to be known bc yapping is so tiring but i write a lot so clearly i have things i want to say. gotta learn to say it for myself even if i don't necessarily know i'll be heard.

wins

• journals convinced me that the allergy issue needed resolving
• the pages give me space to work thru all the weird messy feelings i have without interference or things moving out of my control so its very grounding
• journals also help me advocate for myself!its like talking to a friend
• "im already an artist. no one can take what i've made away from me." and its reworked brother, "im already on the path of making what i want for myself in life. no one can take my accomplishments away from me."
• THESE JOURNALS WERE SO HARD TO DO AT FIRST!!!! SO PAINFUL IT TOOK LIKE AN HOUR JUST TO WRITE THREE PAGES. so then i switched to more fun, better pens i already own (avoided buying more shit) and i knock them pages out in half the time! commitment to the habit is hard but worth it!

this is embarrassing to admit but these are the insights from just january alone. wow. its a little tiresome to do this activity. i'll add to this list later.