10.29.24 - Moving Blues
big life changes are afoot! namely, i'm moving!
ouch. if i had to pick a word to describe how i'm currently feeling, it would just be, "ouch." it's funny, how sometimes we beg and we cry and we pray to the universe for something we want, but when we finally get it? we realize that there was a comfort to the way things were, that we were soothed in some ways by the way we know what to expect from our current situations. i find that now that i'm finally moving out of my mom's apartment, i'm actually really terrified! even though i know that this is what i want, it doesn't stop the fear from seeping in. i worry that i won't get along with my roommates, or that i'll experience a sharp decline in health because i'll be fending for my own nutrition, or that i won't see my friends and family again OR WORSE that my mom was right and that i shouldn't have moved out.
trying to take deep breaths about it. and to eat tasty peanuts. farmer brand roasted/dried peanuts.
i need to get my life together. this entry will mostly be about the moving experience, i promise! but i think the change of moving is bringing in new uncertainties. and in times of new uncertainties, we tend to rely on old solutions. [mentions of self harm/suicidal ideation, will mark when it ends!]
in 2016, i was struggling with really bad mental health and grappling with really intense thoughts of ending my life. i wasn't eating right or sleeping right, and daily life weighed heavily on me. i was coping badly with school challenges and was deeply insecure (as teens tend to be). because i had conveyed a serious intent of committing suicide to a friend, i was briefly hospitalized, less than a day honestly, around halloween. it's strange to think that my body keeps the score and held onto all that pain... but it turns out this time of year is really hard on me! in college, i was getting medicated for the depression and the previous two years, i'd been already generally depressed because of a job i really didn't enjoy, but i've been really happy lately so the sharp swing into thinking about dying and hating my life has been really jarring! i went from loving life and living large to having trouble getting out of bed and relying on cutting for a physical reprieve from the internal turmoil. i've been smoking more, which in turn affects my sleep and digestion, which really impact my mood. so it's been like a double whammy of bad coping mechanisms. i've been slacking on my daily walks and not practicing my hobbies. it's tough when my body just wants to sleep all day and my mind just wants me to spin those old lies that say ending it all would be the easiest thing to do. so why'd i have to go and plan my move for this time of year?! [mentions over!]
this time around though, i've got lots of love in my life, the kind that make me feel seen and supported, even when i'm not sure what's best for me. i've got my friends, i've got a way better relationship with my mom, i've got a job i honestly love...i have a lot of good things that make everything worth it. even if in my darkest hours, my mind convinces me that i'm trapped to this life by my loved ones, i'm aware that this is actually a Good thing and not a restriction. my friends helped me sort through so much clutter and kept me company through these past few days. from providing moving boxes to taking my posters down to helping me sort through what i actually need and what i don't to giving me helpful tips for removing adhesives...i wouldn't be anywhere without them. they came with me to view the new apartment for fucks sake! i am so loved.
when i was looking through all my sentimental clutter, i was shocked at old photos of me from high school. i was so thin! i looked so sad! i was always trying to smile in photos, but there was something missing in my eyes. that good ol' transgender pain peeking through, despite my best efforts to wear the dresses and brush out the hair and act like a good girl. i didn't wear my body well. but now i'm round and happy and there's something bright in my eyes. i can handle having photos of myself where i'm not behaving like a mannequin, where i'm candid and doing something weird or goofy because these photos all look like me! i can recognize myself as a living being, not just an object that exists to be plucked and trimmed and cut into something resembling 'beautiful.'
i have a really slapdash approach to a lot of things, and moving is definitely one of those things. my half-packed room looks a mess right now. half my clothes are put away, another half still in the closet. i cleared through all my trinkets, but i haven't even touched the bathroom. i have tomorrow and thursday to sort out some more things, and then thursday evening the space is mine. i haven't even messaged my current landlord yet (but my mom, grateful i am for her, already spoke to him so he should be okay with it). the interim is pretty scary! but it's already too late to fail. it's not possible to fail. so i'm trying to relax and unclench and just let the process happen to me.
not sure what i even really wanted to say honestly, but i think that's okay! an interim piece for an interim time. i'm excited to set up my room, i've got a vision for it! i want pink curtains this time (I KNOW I KNOW i said all that about the navy blue. i'm not giving up on it! but i just wanna give pink another try this time ok) to go with my new yellow walls. i'm going to get new sheets and maybe a pink and green rug of some kind.. i need a floor lamp, but i'm thinking of trying to rig a DIY ceiling light situation. either that or i'll get a lamp/nightstand combo so i can stop using this current one that's wobbly and from the street. i'll get color coordinated pillowcases. who knows! i have so much i could do. okay as i'm typing this, i realize that the blue and yellow would also be really charming. so i put this on hold. all that to say, there's a lot i'm excited about! i'm scared, but ready for it!
i wrote a poem, so i'll leave you with that. it's a little emo, but it really does mean something to me and i hope you, dear reader, are left understanding what i'm trying to say. and that maybe you'll feel inclined to leave a comment in the guestbook or a message on my neocities page -w-
i'll speak to your grief
i'll speak to your grief, love
so speak to mine
do you remember the terror
the footsteps at the door
knob unturned but already
the mind unraveling
adrenaline pins your wings to the board
when all you want to do is fly
fly
fly
far far away shedding
behind this skin
blood pulsates bones mutate
every day one in which you know
you weren't meant for this life
the knocking heartbeat inside
opens up avenues best left unexplored
stay in the sunlight, love
don't look in the lonely alleyways
littered with the remnants of
those already gone
speak of your grief, love
speak of your pain
let morning birdsong and evening rain
graze across your breast
old pages flutter in the wind
sun bleached lines across wrists
and when you want to
cry
cry
cry for the past you can't change
for the future out of your grasp
for the weight of every day
as we migrate somewhere kinder
that's all from me for now! i hope you're doing well, or that if you aren't, that you feel a little bit more inspired to reach out and talk to someone about it. it can be hard, embarrassing, painful, but it's worth it.