12.19.24 - on phone calls
a season of old pains aching and moving ahead anyways
can you believe i've been on this site for over 4 years now? i started tending to this site in october 2020, and i'm finding the gardening metaphor to be very apt. at the very start, there was a lot of activity, akin to sowing seeds and buying planters. i had grand visions of my site, where things would go and grow. 4 years in, it really is more about the everyday tending and upkeep. watering here and there, trimming off dead leaves. fresh excitement giving way to stability and regularity.
it's hard to speak about, but today i gained a conscious awareness of my aversion to phone calls. i have to make a lot of phone calls for work, as in my position i have to conduct outreach calls to new clients (i work in nonprofit, so don't go picturing me in sales or anything like that, please). even though these calls are very routine and scripted, i find it really hard to make these calls, be it in a timely manner or in calling consistently every day. the moment my day begins with doing a phone call, my entire schedule gets disrupted until i have a task that is accountable to someone outside of myself (like a scheduled meeting). so as you might have guessed, and i'm sure you can relate on some level to this, i've been so disgusted with myself for not being able to just get my shit together. like, it's just a fucking phone call, you know? why the fuck can't i get my shit together? i am a grown ass man and i'm balking at the idea of picking up the phone and leaving some voicemails?
shit's been going on in my life though, both personal and professional stressors, and i've been talking through things with my therapist. just really trying to absorb the idea of being kind to myself, because there's nothing without self-compassion. you can't bully yourself into growing, and all that good stuff. so, okay. i've been watching a lot of heidi priebe on youtube too, as i find her way of explaining attachment theory to be so compassionate and so productive. masterfully and with uncanny insight, she speaks on some of these patterns people hold onto, why they have these patterns, and firm encouragement to move towards the tried and true solutions. i was so struck by something she shared in a video. she said something along the lines of, 'you have to attend to the youngest, most vulnerable parts of yourself first (and with most kindness) because those are the parts most likely to act out in times of distress.' and i've been knowing that i have a tendency towards sitting with a feeling too long and lacking skills in the 'problem-solving' department (i'm a great supporter, but terrible leader because of it lol). so this seemed like a way forward, to work on reparenting myself and figuring out what to do with these big feelings now that i have them. and the first step to action is understanding. why do i have such a strong aversion in the first place?
sitting with feelings is so uncomfortable. being centered in my own self and experiences? wretched. wretched, disgusting, terrible. and yet...(NOTE TO SELF: put the kombucha girl gif here later). i have a lot of strong memories of making really uncomfortable phone calls. because i am fluent in english and my mother was not, i made a lot of phone calls for my mom. to the isp, the mobile provider, to doctors and banks and any service that was not being provided by someone Chinese. and like, being put in the uncomfortable situation of trying to translate but also trying to argue with some random teleworking clerk about pricing is actually really stressful. it felt like after every call, there was something i did wrong or something i should've said, despite being like, 12 or some shit. to put it simply, i have a strong aversion to phone calls because historically, they've been associated with bad news and difficult tasks.
what do i do with that?
no simple answers here, just the obvious ones. yes, phone calls are hard. but so was brushing my teeth when i was younger. it is embarrassing to admit, but even up until my high school years, i had never developed a good habit around my teeth. it just wasn't deemed a huge priority, that one should brush their teeth twice a day. i would get away with once in the morning, but the nights were up to me. or vice versa, i hurried to school with a mouth unclean and tried to make up for the excesses of the day before bed. until one day, the opportunity unfolded for me to do better. when i moved out for college, i was surrounded with others and learned much of other's ways. when my roommates brushed their teeth, i simply...joined them. and just like that, it became a pleasant ritual. i would brush my teeth as my peers did and i reveled in that gentle intimacy. nowadays, it comes much easier to me to just. brush my teeth when i rise from bed and brush my teeth before i re-enter.
i am going to try to think of phone calls, and all other unpleasant, frightening tasks of living, with this in mind. summoning up the joys of living as a bulwark against the fear. maybe, after every phone call, i will reward myself somehow! or perhaps, to make phone calls more tangible, each one i must make will get added to my daily to-do list as its own task item. i will try my best to be gently firm with myself, to coax that spoiled child's heart of mine into understanding that there is must one should attend to, and that responsibility is a pleasure, not a burden.
i want to live with joy in my heart.
joy, despite all the little aches and pains that weigh on one's body, mind, and soul, in these, the coldest of months.