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07.15.2023 - on the other side again

the hard thing about reaching the top is knowing that it's all downhill from here.

relevant for the spirit of the whole entry.

it's been a while, my darlings. several months have passed since i last spoke on my current situation and much has changed in the material realm, but much of the spiritual struggles have remained the same. the last time that i decided to open up a dialectic with myself online was in december, and my big argument there was that desire is an INdesirable state of being, given the amount of suffering produced from how desires come to be. i still believe this, and i've got a new bone to pick with the world...or maybe more specifically, to pick with general discourse i absorb from the internet.

but, my lovelies, before i get into that, i figure i'd share all the changes that have happened in my life in the last year or so. [footnote: it's at this point in typing this that i realize so much of how i talk is influenced by the internet...these are verbal gestures i picked up from watching ASMRtists LOL #youtubepilled anyways i digress] for starters, i've just wrapped up my first year out of college AND my first year with this nonprofit in LA. i've learned a lot about community care in my work with hs students, and i've been expanding socially into the LA queer scene. in june, i celebrated my birthday by planning beach days and visits to botanical gardens. i've just come back from a trip to San Francisco with a friend and i'm exploring what being single feels like, which honestly sucks as someone with a penchant for serial monogamy. [footnote: sunday and i are still friends, which is nice. i appreciate having at least one ex-relationship where the friendship stays intact, its a good experience.] i've got a second year with this nonprofit starting monday and potential pathways after that ends as well. i go to therapy and i've made progress in my cooking skilltree and i don't draw as frequently anymore, but i still try. also i finished the locked tomb series and have been reading more. babes, in short, i've come to that 'other side' again, where a chapter of life has ended; where the progress i had been striving for has been acheived; and where i'm left staring down into the abyss of what comes next. i feel so deeply lost.

never again do i want to be the person who is incapable of seeing all that she has, so that is why i open us off with a list of all the beautiful experiences i'm having. however, and i'm sure you relate to this feeling, i can't help but compare. i can't help but feel like i'm not doing enough, like i'm failing and falling behind. the work i do, while important, pays like shit since it's based on volunteers. i'm disillusioned with my past dreams about love and learned some hard-hitting lessons about who i am within an intimate relationsip. the job prospects i have now are not what i wanted for myself when i was younger, because it's shit like working for county departments. and worst of all, i still live with my mom. and i keep feeling like i'm letting her down everyday. which is embarrassing to admit, but it's true and i hate that i'm in the part of adulthood that involves confronting the flawed viewpoints of those that raised you. i keep waiting for her approval, despite knowing unconditional acceptance was never going to happen.

in the spirit of my previous journal entry, i've got a new grand thesis for you: that we as people are largely defined by our regrets, and not our decisions. i mean, i'm a pretty good example honestly, the stuff i regret stays the same even when my decisions change. this isn't to say that we constantly experience regret and that existence is a solely miserable thing, but rather that people come to be unique vessels for their regrets much more than they are of their actions. this may seem pessimistic, but i argue that this is a much more balanced perspective than the aggressive micro-culture i see where people are encouraged to embrace agency that may not exist for them - think of the slightly questionable ways people use manifestation magic, of the reductive Choose to pull yourself up by the bootstraps mentality, and other such things.

confused? i've got a concept for you, sweet thing. visualize a tree stump for me, the rings marking each year of its life. each ring, which i assume used to be a layer of bark, is an indicator of the conditions of that moment in time which the tree survived, right? shedding sapling innocence and flexibility for the chipped, imperfect strength of the bark. growing not into the shape chosen (what does that even MEAN for a tree?) but into the shape conditions allow it to become. as i've gotten older and as i've begun to listen to the sorts of advice and stories of other's lives, i realize that...

1. 1. most advice about what decisions to make are largely useless? including the advice i feel inclined to dispense on others.
2. 2. the beauty of people's lives really depends on the unique ways uncontrollable factors shaped them. this point is more obtuse, so i'll try and explain it. bear with me. people don't really have helpful advice for the big things, right? it takes a special rapport or insight to get opinions that actually matter to you, in the time where you have access to anyone anywhere to say anything about anything. but you know what moves me, inspires me, drives me to action or even the thought of action? hearing the ways in which another person has moved through life in the conditions available to them. i know my mom will never have good advice for me on higher education; she never got the chance. but because she never got the chance, because she might have her regrets about having three kids and joining the workforce - i know that i value experiencing what she never got to have. because i will forever regret not going to art school, i know what i'll tell to people considering that dream. my life has been shaped by those countless regrets of others, and i've gotten the chance to become something these people never even got to be.

this was originally going to be a lot more negative, i think. this entire train of thought took place earlier this week, inside a cafe spot, over omelettes and crepes. at the time, i had been trying to make this case because the narratives of people's lives are always shaped more by their traumas than say, the time you decided to pick strawberry over chocolate ice cream and discovered a flavor you really liked. if i had to choose between my father's death or the time i decided to go to a new park, i would say obviously, the death had a larger impact on who i am as a person, just like fundamentally. but i think maybe that's the thing - i'm just so frustrated by individualist narratives and i hate that this is the way we live. i'm not nearly as much of my actions as i am my regrets, but i am a product of so many regrets. and i have to believe that the regrets are not the thing to be avoided at any cost, but are the badges i will someday wear in my old age, a sign that i lived and a gift i can wield correctly to benefit others.

in a world where so much is uncontrollable, where the breadth of your actions are deeply limited by higher powers, i have to believe we can keep growing despite all the pain. and who knows? i do also believe that sometimes the things we THINK we want are not what we should be getting. i have no way of knowing when this is the case, so maybe all my regret ought to be relief that i am who i am now? hmm..much to ponder...i should get an orb. with this slightly anticlimactic conclusion, i'll wrap up with the reminder that i love hearing other's thoughts on things and that you should leave a comment on my new guestbook page.